What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

But ive been too sick for many years..

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

As i do to all so called friends.?

Especially a lifetime of it.

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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

But it wasn’t much.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Will you share your wife? Can she take both of us at the same time?

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Why The Simpsons stopped producing Maude Flanders episodes?

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Why do men choose to marry a plain Jane woman over a pretty woman?

I know ,a lot about trauma.

I don,t even have a pension.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

I was very sick at this time too.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

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We were not on the streets..

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I never cut or harmed myself..

Was to survive, this bastard.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

He knew the spot.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

He resisted the act ,that day.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I couldn’t, believe it.

Ive learnt so much.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I have no regrets .

I was seconnd youngest,

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

My family never makes their pension either.

This is soul school!.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I write beautiful poetry .

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

So whats the point in blame.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

And i lived it daily.

I think the readers, may guess!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I said to her

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Why did i forgive my father ?

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Who then, do I blame.?

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

When she asked me how she looked .

Would this be the day?

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

She loved him until the end.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

My life is so biszare .

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

I will be 64.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I could never make a relationship work though!

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

I waited trembling.

(And it was in our own minds.)

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

So, i spoilt her more .

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I was scared of men, in general

On the 31st of Jan this month .

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

What did i know ?

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

One cannot live in the past .

This is how, and why children get BPD.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

She wouldn,t have been !

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Comes on , in middle age.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Put me off passion for life!!

She married twice! .

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

She was in good health!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

All the time i was locked up.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

We all went to grammer schools

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

It was going to be , some day.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Im still living with it.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

But, we were locked up after school.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

She found it foreign!.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

I was 9 years of age.